I'm so goddamn late with this recap, I forgot what major things happened
this past season. Something about the NFL being scripted. The NFL trying to
come up with a bullshit name for tackling someone from behind so they can
flag it. Incompetent refs. Rihanna revealing her pregnancy at the Super Bowl with a demonic
performance. The only good thing about this season review/preview is I can
add recent things like the Cardinals new jerseys, OBJ signing with the
Ravens and Derrick Henry to the Eagles rumors. Commence with the
ramblings!
END OF SEASON REVIEW
Kansas City Chiefs 14-3
The Chiefs won the Black QB/Andy Reid/Kelce Bowl! Also Chad Henne retired on top. Good for him! I chose the header because it was at the Super
Bowl but it doesn't look that iconic. So I will just
embed a tweet of Patrick Mahomes holding the Lombardi Trophy and WWE belt.
#champs pic.twitter.com/yTd4d8I9eg
— Patrick Mahomes II (@PatrickMahomes) February 13, 2023
Philadelphia Eagles 14-3
The Eagles had BOTH their offensive AND defensive coordinators poached and they didn't even win the damn game! Their OC Shane Steichen became head coach of the Colts while their DC Jonathan Gannon went to the Cardinals. Hoping to improve on their work is Brian Johnson who gets promoted from QB coach to OC and Sean Desai who was brought in from the Seahawks to be their DC. Johnson was signed by the New York Sentinels in the UFL's first season but was released a month later. While Desai became the first Indian coordinator when he was DC for the Bears in 2021. But the most important news is Jalen Hurts signing a 5 year $255M extension with $110M fully guaranteed. He's absolutely worth it! Hope he's not a fluke.
Buffalo Bills 13-3
After a freak cardiac arrest from a routine tackle, Damar Hamlin is making a comeback to the field. He's not predisposed to Commotio Cordis, which is a blow to the heart at the exact wrong time during a heartbeat, so he's cleared to play. The Bills nearly rode that wave of inspiration of him surviving that traumatic event to a Super Bowl but came up short in the divisional round. Maybe getting DeAndre Hopkins (and a healthy Von Miller) will push them over that hump.
Minnesota Vikings 13-4
It's weird seeing Kirk Cousins shirtless with chains from his teammates. It's great that they like him since the Vikings isn't gonna get anyone better unless Aaron Rodgers plays here next.
San Francisco 49ers 13-4
What a shitshow the Niners put themselves in when it came to their QBs. We all thought Jimmy Garoppolo was on his way out but they decided to keep him as a backup and start Trey Lance. Then Lance gets injured and Jimmy starts showing everyone why he should be a starting QB. Then he gets injured and Mr. Irrelevant Brock Purdy makes a name for himself showing the NFL world he's capable of being a starting QB as well. They go on a hot run and leads them deep through the playoffs until he tears his UCL in the NFC championship game.
Josh Johnson takes over then HE gets injured with a concussion! Apparently, no one on that roster played QB in high school or college so rather than run Wildcat, they put Purdy BACK IN even though he has a dead arm! People call Kyle Shanahan a genius, yet this dumbass didn't think to dress another QB considering their problems keeping them healthy this season. In total, their QBs was sacked 31 times which ties them with Texans' Davis Mills. Compare that with Patrick Mahomes who went down 26 times (All that money the Eagles paying Jalen, they better upgrade their offensive line or he will get hurt from being dropped 38+ times.) With Jimmy in Vegas, Trey as the starter again, Brock as #2 and Sam Darnold here for some reason, they need to better protect their QBs or they will go through this same shit all over again.
Cincinnati Bengals 12-4
Speaking of sacks, Joe Burrow was "only" sacked 41 times this season. I'm sure his body is happy he wasn't sacked as many times as last season. Hopefully with the addition of Super Bowl winning LT Orlando Brown Jr, the Bengals will trim another 10 sacks next season. Also after 12 season WR A.J. Green retired. He probably has a podcast or a studio show by now.
Dallas Cowboys 12-5
If the NFL was rigged, wouldn't the Cowboys have won a Super Bowl by now? Sure, people like the Chiefs, Eagles, Bills, Jets, etc, but this is America's Team! They have fans everywhere! Surely another Cowboys dynasty would rake in the money for the NFL right? Instead, they been mid to ass since the 90s and the Patriots, Steelers and Tom Brady has more rings than them.
Now that the Ezekiel Elliott Era Ended, who will be their RB? Tony Pollard is likely to be starter when he recovers from his broken leg. They have former Chief Ronald Jones and other randos who can fill in from time to time as well since teams are moving away from the bell cow RB strategy. People think they might go against current drafting strategies and get another RB in the first round. That would just be stupid considering they added a Super Bowl winner on their team. They also added WR Brandin Cooks and CB Stephon Gilmore to improve the team.
Baltimore Ravens 10-7
I understand cutting out the middleman and representing yourself but if you're asking for a unreasonable amount of money after coming off a injury, hire a damn agent. Is Lamar Jackson the best player on the Ravens? Yes. Is he a better player than Deshaun Watson? Yes. Would I pay Lamar more guaranteed money than Deshaun? Hell no!
Lamar felt Deshaun reset the QB market with that huge payday he got from the Browns, but the owners squashed that perception, and I can't blame them. For as good Lamar is, he haven't came close to winning a Super Bowl and he keeps getting injured. Why would I tie up all my money into one player who can't stay healthy? Especially since it would leave me nothing to pay the other key players on my team. While the Browns are a trash bag organization who basically bribed Deshaun to play for them after he said he didn't want to go there.
This is why fans seem to respect QBs like Tom Brady and Patrick Mahomes. They took less money to keep the core together for more championship runs. That was Jalen Hurts explanation for why he didn't ask for a fully guaranteed contract "Money is nice. Championships are better". If you want to take it this way, it's a shot at Lamar and Deshaun for putting themselves over the team. We will find out after the draft does Lamar still value money over team success. Or not.
Los Angeles Falcons 10-7
I think I'm on to something using Justin Herbert's dumb look for these season reviews. Oh what a epic choke job by the Chargers! They went from leading the Jaguars 21-0 late in the 1st quarter to losing 31-30 in the Wildcard game. Yet, most people will forget about it because they're irrelevant. They won't get meme'd like the Falcons because no one cares about the Bolts.
New York Giants 9-7-1
It's amazing what good coaching can do for a average QB. G-Men fans kept propping up Danny Dimes like he's the next Eli Manning but he wasn't really doing much to warrant it. In comes Brian Daboll and he leads these sad sacks to the Divisional round. Yeah, they got murked by the Eagles but Daboll was still rightly awarded Coach of the Year. If Daniel keeps improving and Saquon Barkley stays healthy, I can see them make yearly trips to the playoffs.
Miami Dolphins 9-8
Tua Tagovailoa recently stated he thought about retiring after his rash of concussions this season. It was tough on him and his family and friends to see him get taken to the hospital after that scary injury. But he didn't want to go out that way and the doctors don't feel he's at extra risk of getting another one so he's returning to the team. That's great to hear because he now has a coach who actually believes in him instead of trying to ship him off somewhere. Without fear of losing his job for the first time, he passed for 3,548 yards, 25 TDs and 8 INTs.
I would say they can be playoff contenders for years to come but Tyreek Hill might shorten their championship window. He plans on retiring himself after the 2025 season when his contract ends. Of course, this could be a ploy to entice teams to break the bank for him to keep playing. But if he's serious about that, Miami has to be in win now mode while they still have all the pieces for a Super Bowl contender. Maybe the new QB helmet will help Tua stay on the field.
Pittsburgh Steelers 9-8
The Steelers barely kept Mike Tomlin's streak of consecutive seasons of .500+ football going. Kenny Pickett was OK in the first year of the Post Big Ben Era and should improve next season.
Jacksonville Jaguars 9-8
Doug Pederson did wonders for Trevor Lawrence and the Jags. In just one year he turned them from a laughingstock to a respectable playoff team that lost to the Chiefs in the Divisional round. With the addition of Calvin Ridley, Duval will be full of electricity not seen since their 2017 Sacksonville season. It's too bad AEW isn't gonna get a similar turnaround anytime soon. Tony Khan's shitty booking gets wrestlers under instead of over making him worse than Vince Russo.
At least Russo's contributions to the Attitude Era pushed the WWE past WCW in the Monday Night Wars and put more of a priority on engaging storylines and characters that hooks fans. While Tony sabotages anyone who gets themself over with stupid ass booking decisions that kills their momentum and prevents them from becoming a draw, which AEW desperately needs. What if Wardlow and Powerhouse Hobbs had the title run Orange Cassidy has? If only The Gunns and The Acclaimed had tag teams they could work with and learn from other than FTR. Jade Cargill is 55-0 but no one really cares about her Goldberg type undefeated streak since many of her wins are on YouTube and a Friday show no one watches. Where TF is Miro? Rumors say AEW could have their own brand split with The Elite and CM Punk on different shows. But if Tony books that Saturday show, he's gonna bury everyone who isn't Phil Brooks.
Detroit Lions 9-8
How stupid do you have to be to watch Calvin Ridley get suspended a year for gambling on NFL games and do it yourself thinking you won't get caught? I assume many players bet on games but they're smart enough to have their baby momma's uncle's war buddy or their lab partner's sister's 3rd cousin place the bets. These 5 dumbasses did it on their own accounts and got popped for it. The Lions cut WR Quintez Cephus and safety C.J. Moore since they was suspended indefinitely. I didn't read anywhere that the Commanders did the same for DE Shaka Toney but since he's not on their roster, they must've dropped his ass as well.
The Lions other receivers Jameson Williams and Stanley Berryhill didn't bet on NFL games but they're gone for 6 games for betting on games at team facilities. Same old Lions indeed. BTW, the people comparing these suspensions to Deshaun Watson are idiots. Watson's criminal behavior doesn't threaten the integrity of the game, betting on NFL games does. That's why the NFL was so hesitant to allow sports betting and putting a team in Las Vegas because of things like this. Fans already say games are rigged when their team lose. They don't want it to look like players/teams are intentionally underperforming based on the bets placed on the games. That would just kill the NFL if people legitimately thought it was scripted.
Seattle Seahawks 9-8
Geno Smith went from being best known as the QB who got his jaw broken by a teammate over not paying his debt to becoming Comeback Player of the Year on the Seahawks. Everyone thought the Broncos was going to the Super Bowl while the Seahawks would turn into bums. Instead, the Seahawks got in the playoffs and the Broncos season was a shitshow. I don't know how many years Geno or Pete Carroll have left in them but they should be in the playoff picture for the time being. I would recommend they draft a QB for the future because Drew Lock aint it.
Washington Commanders 8-8-1
"FREE! FREE! I'M FREE!!!" Dan Snyder finally sold the Washington Football Team for $6 billion after decades of being hated more than the politicians in the area. The new owners are now Philadelphia 76ers co-owner Josh Harris and a ownership group that includes Magic Johnson. I would assume the first order of business is building a new stadium because FedEx Field is a lost cause with the poop pipes bursting, guardrail collapses and terrible turf. Maybe Eric Bieniemy would be promoted to head coach by then after Ron Rivera gets fired after another mid performance. Seriously, he took a lateral move to Washington to increase his chances of being a head coach because coaching Patrick Mahomes isn't good enough apparently.
New England Patriots 8-9
Another underwhelming season for the Pats got people side eying Bill Belichick. Is he the opposite of Pete Carroll where Bill needed Brady more than his QB needed him? I don't feel Mac Jones is a bum but he looks like the type of QB who needs a strong running game to help open up passing lanes. Like Tom Brady! Bill currently has 329 wins so he needs 2 more seasons to pass Don Shula's 347. I feel he can break it but it might not be with the Pats. He will have to do it without Devin McCourty. He retired to go into broadcasting like his twin brother Jason.
Green Bay Packers 8-9
The Packers finally traded away Aaron Rodgers to the Jets and we now get to see what Jordan Love can do. Will he hit the ground running proving the Packers was right to draft him while Aaron was still in his prime? Or will all that time backing up Rodgers prove to do nothing to help his development because he just isn't that good. At least they got 2 extra picks to go with the 2 they traded in for. Also, Aaron posted a thank you message on Instagram. That's nice.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 8-9
Tom Brady retired...again. He was still productive but his team just wasn't consistent enough to be a legitimate threat. In his place is Baker Mayfield. After making the Browns relevant again, he gets pushed out only to land in Carolina. Then he ends up on the Rams in the back half of the season trying to prove to the league he's still starter material. So here he is in Tampa as presumably the starter over Kyle Trask. I don't expect much out of them next season.
Atlanta Falcons 7-10
The Falcons still haven't recovered from 28-3. After Matt Ryan left, they thought Marcus Mariota was the answer. He was not. So with him having fun backing up Jalen in Philly, Desmond Ridder is the new starter. In the 4 games he started he fumbled in 3 of them so not a great start to your NFL career. He better improve quickly or newly signed Taylor Heinicke will take his job.
New Orleans Saints 7-10
I feel Derek Carr is a average QB but he is a improvement over whatever options they had since Drew Brees retired. It might mean we will see less of Taysom Hill in at QB and more as a TE(?).
Carolina Panthers 7-10
Frank Reich struck out as Colts coach so here he is as Panthers new coach. He has other former Colts coaches with him like Jim Caldwell and Parks Frazier(!!!). There's also a who's who staff of former players and coaches I recognize like Josh McCown, Duce Staley, DeAngelo Hall and Dom Capers. I don't like any of the QBs on their roster so good luck to whoever the hell will start. Andy Dalton is the veteran but Matt Corral is the only one with a number so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
New York Jets 7-10
A-ROD IS HERE! THE JETS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!!!. That was a good laugh.
Cleveland Browns 7-10
Speaking of laughing, anything the court jesters of the NFL do is a knee slapper.
Tennessee Titans 7-10
We went from Derrick Henry getting traded to Ryan Tannehill. I can see their window closing...
Las Vegas Raiders 6-11
The most handsome QB in the NFL Jimmy Garoppolo is now a Raider. Can he charm this team to playoff success like he did with the Niners? Only if he can stay healthy which looks iffy at best.
Denver Broncos 5-12
Let Russ Cook! The only cooking in Denver was DangeRuss getting cooked by a talking starfish. This past season it was revealed that his Seattle teammates didn't like him that much and was glad he was gone. Sean Payton is back coaching after taking a year off to talk ball on FOX. As the head chef, he made it clear that Russell isn't the bonafide starter and if he can find a better replacement, he will. Who could that be? Not anyone else on this roster that's for sure.
Los Angeles Rams 5-12
We knew sacrificing the future to win a Super Bowl last season would eventually come back to bite them. We didn't think it would be the next season! Like damn, this team was straight up garbage this year! They have 11 picks to improve their team with so I recommend they acquire a QB they can groom for the future whenever Matthew Stafford retires. Don't wait till it's too late.
Indianapolis Colts 4-12-1
Jeff Saturday showed why players who get into coaching tend to start off as errand boys fixing printers and making coffee before they even sniff a head coaching gig. The NFL requires far more strategy than the NBA so I guess former players can't just improve the team with no coaching experience. Oh well, looks like the young genius (White) coach trend will continue.
Utah Buckeyes 4-13
Man, the Cardinals sure love getting dunked on. Whether it's adding, then taking out a stipulation in Kyler Murray's contract that he has to watch film. Or Nick Bosa telling them he will haunt them for drafting Kyler over him. Or the new basic bitch uniforms they debuted. They spent 3 years designing these uniforms but it looks like most of that time was spent on coming up with that marketing garbage. Like how cardinals are known for their "work ethic" and the first and last thing you see in the day is the silhouette of the cardinal in the Arizona sun. GTFOH with that buzzword bullshit! They deserved to be mocked for ripping off Utah/Ohio St uniforms.
Houston Texans 3-13-1
So a Black scapegoat of a coach gets fired in favor of a fan favorite Black coach. DeMeco Ryans was a fan favorite LB with the Texans from 2006-11 but now he's back as their head coach after being the defensive coordinator for the Niners. He will have his work cut out for him but at least the defense should see a dramatic improvement. They seem to think Davis Mills can be a star QB, which I don't see at all. Any chance J.J. Watt can come out of retirement and play QB? No? I guess they just have to settle for trading their #2 pick for Mac Jones.
Chicago Bears 3-14
Justin Fields tied with Russell Wilson for being sacked 55 times. Good thing Nathan Peterman and P.J. Walker are his backups cause he's gonna miss more games if they don't improve the O-Line. Every year I'm flummoxed as to why teams refuse to sign a quality offensive line to protect their young QB. You can't say QB is the most important position with turnstiles in front of him.
So there you go, my 2022-23 NFL End Of Season Review/2023-24 NFL Preview/AEW rant.
LAST WEEK: 1-0
PLAYOFFS: 10-4
OVERALL: 157-126-2
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