The Cowboys Are So Fucked Right Now! NFL Week 9 Preview

Who knew Dak was THIS important to the team? When Dak Prescott went down in Week 5 with a broken ankle, I figured he would be missed but the season could be salvaged with Andy Dalton. Plus, his negotiating power for his next contract would be hampered since I don't consider him a top tier QB like Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers or Russell Wilson where his team would be completely lost without him. HOLY SHIT was I wrong about that assessment! Ever since Dak's injury, the Cowboys have became a dysfunctional mess with infighting, star players playing like shit, players bitching about the coaches to the press, awful playcalling from the coaches and so on. Then when Jon Bostic took out Dalton with a blatant late hit to the head, none of his teammates stuck up for him! Like damn, you don't have to palm strike him like Bears receiver Javon Wims did to CJGJ after his mouthpiece was snatched but they could've AT LEAST got in his face and get into a skirmish with him! Even the Steelers took up for backup QB Mason Rudolph after Myles Garrett hit him in the head with his own helmet even though Mason started it by kicking Myles in the dick!

So last week they started rookie 3rd stringer Ben DiNucci and that went about as well as starting a guy who wasn't expecting to see playing time this season...the Cowboys got their asses kicked. This being the NFC East, the game was competitive in the first half against the Eagles but eventually Dem Birds pulled away to a 9-23 finish. This might have been their best defensive performance this year forcing two fumbles, catching two interceptions and getting 4 sacks. But the offense couldn't take advantage of their extra chances with them fumbling twice, DiNucci getting sacked four times, giving up a safety on a botched punt and only have three field goals to their name.

So now they will start their 4th QB this season this week against the undefeated Steelers, Garrett Gilbert or Cooper Rush. Apparently DiNucci was so bad they're choosing between two practice squad guys to sacrifice behind that awful offensive line.

WOOF! WOOF! Orlando Apollos legend Garrett Gilbert will start! WOOF! WOOF!

All of this is happening while Dalton goes from being out with a concussion to being placed on the Reserve/Covid-19 list and Hunter Niswander becomes their new punter as Chris Jones goes to injury reserve due to surgery on his abdomen. Looking back, it seems that Dak was the glue that held this team together because they immediately broke apart after losing him for the season. He may be supporting the QB's they trot out there but Dak must be fist pumping the air as they're proving his case that he's not so replaceable and deserves a big money contract like other star QBs.

THE GAMES

Green Bay Packers      23

San Francisco 49ers    16

It's been a bumpy road but we finally made it halfway through the regular season. This road has been full of potholes as the 49ers' is decimated with injury after injury including Jimmy Garoppolo suffering a high ankle sprain in his 37-27-loss to the Seahawks. San Fran fans may be high on Nick Mullens but I don't see him beating Aaron Rodgers who didn't appear on the Pat McAfee Show this week in order to concentrate on tonight's TNF game.

G-Men    13

FT-Men   17

Giants fans are understandably pissed at that overturned passing interference call against the Bucs on MNF. Those two interceptions didn't help matters either but this PI reversal on the 2pt conversion near the end of the game cost them the chance to tie it and go to overtime.

Generally they throw the flag when the defender runs into the receiver preventing him from catching the ball. But in this case, the refs talked it over and picked up the flag. Yes, the throw was late but lets not pretend if it was Brady throwing that ball he wouldn't get that PI call either.

Chicago Bears        20

Tennessee Titans   16

When I was reading different news articles on NFL.com for this review, I found out Mitchell Trubisky injured his shoulder in their 26-23 loss to the Saints. I didn't even know he played considering Big Dick Nick took his job in Week 3 but apparently he injured it on a read-option in the first quarter. Maybe that will inspire them to overcome the Titans in the early game Sunday.

Detroit Lions             24

Minnesota Vikings    34

RUH ROH! Matthew Stafford is on the Reserve/Covid-19 list! The Lions' been average at best so this game would've been a tossup with him starting. But with 12 year pro Chase Daniel making his 6th career start, go with the Vikings to win it by 10.

WOOF! WOOF! Matthew Stafford will start! WOOF! WOOF!

Carolina Panthers      20

Kansas City Chiefs    34

Huzzah! Patrick Mahomes voted! He also footed the bill for Arrowhead Stadium to be a polling destination! What does that have to do with this game? Absolutely nothing. But there's nothing else to talk about here that haven't been said all day on other sports networks so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

Houston Texans           20

Jacksonville Jaguars     9

FINALLY, Josh McCown HAS COME BACK to Texas! That's right, the Jacksonville, Texas native was signed by the Texans yesterday to participate in Zoom meetings with starter QB Deshaun Watson and backup AJ McCarron (#HesStillInTheLeague). It's a shame that we won't get a Jacksonville Bowl as the Texans play the Jaguars and rookie QB Jake Luton who takes over for an injured Gardner "Uncle Rico" Minshew.

Baltimore Ravens    19

Indianapolis Colts    14

Lamar Jackson made far too many mistakes to overcome in his 28-24 loss to the Steelers last week. When you throw two INTs (including a Pick-6) along with fumbling the ball twice AND your receiver is mad you're not getting him the ball, it's best that you take ownership of your mistakes and improve for the next game. It's fitting that the Ravens and Colts are so similar considering both teams called Baltimore their home. Both of them are 5-2, both of them have star QBs and both of them have strong defenses that are covering for their weak offense. Having said that, I feel Lamar will keep Marquise Brown happy by constantly throwing to him and thus edging out a win over these overachieving Colts. 

Seattle Seahawks     55

Buffalo Bills              28

For years, the Bills were the Patriots' punching bag during the Tom Brady Era of the team. With him gone and a Cam Newton who looks washed, they got a nice win against their divisional rival despite a concerning -1 point differential (They're only the 3rd team to start 6-2 along with 1991 Bears and 1945 Lions to have a negative point differential). That number will only get bigger once the Seahawks fly into town and beat that ass.

Denver Broncos       6

Atlanta Falcons      48

If pissing away games wasn't bad enough, the Falcons now have a pissy Takkarist McKinley who's pissed off they didn't trade him away like he wanted to. Interim coach Raheem Morris didn't like Takk's Twitter rant at all but I doubt Takk really gives a shit at this point. All he can do is rack up sacks and show the other teams in the league he's a valuable pickup in free agency. He can start with shutting down the Broncos' offense and generate a blowout win.

Las Vegas Raiders         24

Los Angeles Chargers   27

This is the first time I visited NFL.com on a weekly basis thanks to these previews so I may be unfamiliar with how often team doctors fuckup when treating players. Having said that, Holy Shit! Raiders OT Trent Brown had to go to the hospital due to air blowing into his bloodstream during a pre-game IV treatment. It's funny how I've been watching football for 30 something years but any treatment involving needles freaks me out when a mistake happens and the player is sent to the hospital. Oh BTW, go with the Chargers to win this game.

Pittsburgh Steelers    41

Dallas Cowboys         13

I already said my piece on how much of a shitshow it is in Arlington, so here's a UT video.

Miami Dolphins        19

Arizona Cardinals      7

Tua Tagovailoa didn't do much in his 28-17 win over the Rams last week going 12 for 22 for 93 yards and a touchdown. But they didn't need him to as the defense stepped up to shutdown LA's offense. The defense is gonna have a stiffer test against the Cardinals but if Brian Flores truly believe Tua is their franchise QB, then they should be able to win this as well.

New Orleans Saints          34

Tompa Bay Buccaneers     3

Antonio Brown says he's extremely grateful to be in Tampa Bay after spending more than a year out of the league due to multiple off the field transgressions. Tom Brady is the main reason why he's there and he even has Antonio living in his house so he can look after him and keep him out of trouble. If that's what it takes to get back pre-Vontaze Burfict killshot AB, so be it. Too bad the added firepower won't help them here against the Saints.

New England Patriots      27

New York Jets                   16

Cam may be washed, but c'mon, it's the #LOLJets.

LAST WEEK       6-8

OVERALL        64-54-1