Woo boy that was a interesting NFL season. Virtual training camp, no preseason, little to no fans in stadiums, fake crowd noise to cover up players cursing on field, games getting delayed and rearranged due to positive Coronavirus tests, teams missing entire positions for a game, a nameless team gets in the playoffs with a losing record and Tom Terrific & Friends move to Tampa to lead the Bucs to a dominant Super Bowl win over a seemingly unstoppable Chiefs. It only took a season for Tom Brady to prove that he can win a Super Bowl ring without Belichick while the Patriots sucked ass with a washed Cam Newton.
Even though the simulation chose the Chiefs, the Bucs did exactly what I
been saying on how to beat the Chiefs. They got their run game going, they
harassed Patrick Mahomes, they took away Tyreek Hill and they jumped out to
a big lead early forcing the Chiefs to be one dimensional. Their defense
took advantage of the Chiefs weakened offensive line causing Mahomes to run
for his life most of the game throwing passes that would get picked off 99%
of the time with other QBs. Since the Bucs wouldn't let Hill beat them deep,
Travis Kelce had a good day catching 10 for 133 but he, along with the other
receivers got a serious case of "The Drops". It also didn't help that they
kept getting penalized
going 11 for 120 yards and turned over the ball twice. Overall, this was a
great defensive game plan by Todd Bowles. I'm not saying he should be a head
coach again because I feel if you go winless, you should be disqualified
from future coaching positions (Not every great defensive mind is meant to
be a head coach, see Wade Phillips). But he absolutely deserves credit for
learning from teams that caused problems for the Chiefs this season and
exploiting their weaknesses.
Due to Corona, they couldn't have the usual parade through downtown, so
they went the Florida Man route and had their parade on boats. That was
pretty cool seeing players on different boats talking to each other,
celebrating and passing beers around. And like someone who has more Super
Bowl wins than every NFL team, Brady
tossed the Lombardi Trophy
from his boat to his TE Cameron Brate on the boat behind him like it was no
big deal!
It's clear he was enjoying himself down in Tampa this season than all the
years he spent in Foxboro so It's not surprising that he was absolutely
HAMMERED at the end of the boat party.
Noting to see her...just litTle avoCado tequila https://t.co/vew2otBw5T
— Tom Brady (@TomBrady) February 10, 2021
So there you go. Touchdown Tom wins his 7th Lombardi Trophy. Gronk came out
of retirement to win his 4th title. Leonard Fournette went from released by
the Jaguars to champion. Jason Pierre Paul is undefeated in the playoffs.
Ndomeking Suh finally wins a ring. And Antonio Brown gets vindication after
burning bridges in Pittsburgh and Oakland to join Brady for another Super
Bowl victory. How did the rest of the league fare? Let's review each team's
performance.
END OF SEASON TEAM REVIEW
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS 14-2
This is a heartbreaking loss. You're bragging about repeating and everyone
is riding your dick about how unstoppable you are and we're seeing a
dynasty in the making. Hell, the Chiefs even beat the Bucs earlier in the
season. But all the weapons you had on offense were silenced. Costly
mistakes were aplenty as your average defense was exposed and the offense
was forced to air it out after yet another slow start you couldn't recover
from. It didn't help that Mahomes
scrambled for 497(!!!) yards behind that porous offensive line and that's while suffering from
turf toe. If he stays (relatively) healthy, this team will be a contender
for years to come but they have to shore up their defense or they will
keep getting exposed.
BUFFALO BILLS 13-3
So it looks like Josh Allen is the real deal. They had a nice run and
have nothing to be shame of. It's just too bad I wasn't able to watch
Zubaz pants wearing Bills fans jump through tables. :( Best of luck to OL Trey Adams on his
retirement!
GREEN BAY PACKERS 13-3
I don't know how many years Aaron Rodgers has left but this MVP season
show he's got plenty more in the tank. As for the rookie QB they drafted
this season, why not hang on to him if he really is the future so he be
ready to step in once Aaron retires 3, 4 years down the line?
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS 12-4
Since Drew Brees
retired, I would have no problem with Jameis Winston being the starter
next season. He can throw the ball downfield no problem, his problem was turning
over the ball constantly. He got laser eye surgery last offseason so
supposedly he can clearly see the field now which hopefully means less
interceptions. With Famous Jameis starting, Taysom Hill continuing as
the utility man and adding some random free agent QB, this offense
shouldn't drop off production wise. Their main concern is gonna be
how fucked they are
salary cap wise (They started off by cutting Guard Nick Easton to save
about $5.875 million
in cap space).
PITTSBURGH STEELERS 12-4
Speaking of fucked, I have no idea what to make of this team. After
going off on a 11-0 start, they crashed and burned in the Wildcard round
to the Browns. There are some things that need to be addressed this
season. Is Big Ben washed? He didn't look good in that game but since
he's
returning
next season, they need to draft someone who can replace him in the
future because I don't see a starter caliber QB in Mason Rudolph. Chase
Claypool may have had a nice season but him and JuJu are gonna be
targets next season with all the shit talking and antics they did during
this season. Their TE Vance McDonald
retired so shoutout to him and his foundation. Their Center Maurkice
Pouncey also
retired alongside his brother Mike so that's a big hole that's gonna need to be
filled.
It's not all bad news though, their LG Alan Faneca
and HBCU scout
Bill Nunn
were inducted into the 2021 HOF. With J.J. Watt getting
released
by the Texans, Yinzers would've jizzed themselves over all three Watt brothers
playing in the Steel City. But since he went to
Arizona
instead, let's close it out with angry YouTube Yinzer UrinatingTree
burying his Steelmen.
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS 12-4
What the hell's going on in Seattle? Sure, it's disappointing to get
knocked out of the Wildcard round after winning your division with a
12-4 record by your rival. I get that Russell Wilson wasn't thrilled the
Seahawks
fired
their Offensive Coordinator Brian Schottenheimer, who allowed Russ to
air it out these past three seasons, because Pete Carroll wants to
run the ball
more like they used to when Marshawn Lynch was there. But after Russ
stated he wanted to be more involved in hiring decisions and didn't like
getting hit and wants a better O-line, now there's
trade rumors? I don't see them trading him away now but in 3 years, either Russell
or Carroll will be gone after this beef that's
apparently cooking
between the Seahawks and his posse. Speaking of gone, the Griffin twins hit free agency with Shaquill (left) getting signed by the Jaguars for 3 Yr/$45 million. His brother Shaquem had a explosive reaction when he heard the news.
BALTIMORE RAVENS 11-5
The Ravens was another seemingly unstoppable juggernaut of a offense
that was shutdown in the playoffs. Like with Mahomes, if Lamar Jackson
stays healthy, the Ravens will be title contenders for the next decade.
But for now, he just has to settle for being the poster child of the
worst Madden ever
and being a random addition to a
soccer video game. And best of luck to Ravens cheerleader Summer Wilson who is a finalist for the SI Swimsuit Edition.
CLEVELAND BROWNS 11-5
They may not be the "Same Ol Browns" we spent all day laughing at from
yesteryear but I still don't trust this team enough to call them title
contenders. I feel they're more of a flash in the pan like the
Sacksonville Jaguars. Title contenders take advantage of the superstar QB going down with a
stinger/concussion. Pan flashers let the
career backup
QB
run for the 1st down and complete a short pass on 4th and inches to seal the victory.
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS 11-5
With Phillip Rivers
retired, who's gonna be their QB for next season? Neither Jacoby Brissett nor
Jacob Eason are starter material so the next QB will have to come from
the draft, free agency or a trade. Pretty much every QB who's disgruntled,
poor performing or needs a
change of scenery
has been rumored to be a future Colt so who the hell knows what they
will do. They got a good team so any competent QB can get them to the
playoffs,
if only there was a free agent QB who could be the stopgap to prepare
your rookie for the starting role in a couple years. Disgruntled QB Carson Wentz was
traded
to the Colts so there's your answer.
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS 11-5
So what's next for Tampa? Coach Bruce Arians is
"very confident"
they will bring back most of their key players next season so that's
good. We know that
Brady
and
Gronk
are coming back along with Arians and his coordinators Bryon Leftwich
and Todd Bowles. RB Ronald Jones will be in a contract year so they will
need to decide is he worth breaking the bank open or not. While key
players Antonio Brown,
Ndamukong Suh,
Shaq Barrett,
Lavonte David
and
Chris Godwin are headed for free agency so they have to pick which one of them
they're better off letting go than resigning. Tough decisions but that's
what makes the NFL a true parity league.
 |
| WOOF! WOOF! They got the band back together! WOOF! WOOF! |
TENNESSEE TITANS 11-5
So it looks like Ryan Tannehill isn't the type of QB who can take over
the game when the run game gets stuffed. That's a major problem
considering how often RBs break down when ran into the ground like
Derrick Henry was this season. Like, I don't know what his career arc is
gonna be like. Will he have a great 1st half of his career then put up
steady performances the rest of his career like Adrian Peterson and
Frank Gore? Or will he put up superstar stats early on in his career
only to fizzle out a couple years later like Todd Gurley and Melvin
Gordon? If they're gonna continue to heavily rely on King Henry like
this, their championship window has gotten a lot smaller. And Henry
himself may end up on another team as just another guy in three years.
LOS ANGELES RAMS 10-6
He's no Tom Brady, but Matthew Stafford is still a upgrade over Jared
Goff. Unlike HOFers Barry Sanders and Calvin Johnson who rather retire
early than play another down for the Lions, Stafford
asked for a trade
to a "team that was ready to win a championship". I don't know about
winning one but with the new weapons he has along with a
Raheem Morris led defense, they should be championship contenders up to the
point they draft a QB to take his place.
MIAMI DOLPHINS 10-6
Despite the record, the Dolphins had a Two QBs = No QBs situation with
Ryan Fitzpatrick and Tua Tagovailoa. Tua showed flashes of brilliance
but he also reeked incompetence which forced coach Brian Flores to sub
FitzMagic into the game. It remains to be seen if Tua really is "The
Guy" and since that
asshole
Ryan
took his talents
to D.C., they will be fucked if Tua continues to struggle as the new
backup is some
random jobber
no one really care about.
ARIZONA CARDINALS 8-8
"Will He Stay Or Will He Go?" It didn't just apply to Larry Fitzgerald
as he decides
whether to retire or not. Patrick Peterson's status with the team was up in the air as he neared free agency calling news that he was gone a "dirty rumor".
So I see why Arizona was a bit
miffed
that he went to Minnesota for a 1 yr/$10 million deal. However, to
prolong his career some more, his best bet may be to switch to Safety,
or at least switch to that spot more next season.
CHICAGO BEARS 8-8
I don't see Mitchell Trubisky as a starter caliber QB even after winning
his job back from Big Dick Nick. And they didn't either as ole Mitch is
now
backing up Josh Allen on the Bills. Even though Andy Dalton is their
new starting QB,
I would still draft another QB for our future plans.
LAS VEGAS RAIDERS 8-8
Is Derek Carr a good QB? He's better than his older brother David but is
he actually a good QB? While they mull over that, congrats to
2021 HOF inductees
Tom Flores
and
Charles Woodson!
LOS ANGELES CHARGERS 7-9
I still feel firing Anthony Lynn was a bit hasty but it is what it is.
Justin Herbert performed well enough to win
Offensive Rookie of the Year even though his defense just kept giving up points left and
right. If the Chargers want to make it back to back in teams playing in
Super Bowls they're
hosting, they have to greatly improve their defense to support the well ran
offense.
RIP Marty Schottenheimer.
MINNESOTA VIKINGS 7-9
Wow, this team was a absolute dud. Yeah, rookie WR Justin Jefferson may
be a star for years to come but man this team underperformed like hell.
Who knew Kirk Cousins would miss Stefon Diggs THIS much! So let's see
how new Offensive coordinator
Klint Kubiak
will do next season. We will also see if Patrick Peterson still has more
left in the tank or he's running on fumes.
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS 7-9
HAHAHA! All those years of people calling Brady a "system QB". All those
years of people calling Bill Belichick a "genius". Turns out, ole Billy
needed Tommy a hell of a lot more than Thomas needed William. And man, I
see why no one else wanted Cam Newton this season. It wasn't racism,
it's just that his days as a starter caliber QB is OVER. He played like
total shit this season. Sure, Corona probably played a part in his
performance but considering he had worse stats
than Joe Burrow who was assassinated in
Week 11, it looks like it's a wrap for his career.
The Patriots also had the most players to sit out this season so not
having your best defensive players out there really harmed Bill's
chances of showing he didn't need Brady. And to be fair, I can't blame
them for sitting out this season since Brady headed south to play
football. They didn't have a realistic chance of competing for the
championship so why risk catching Covid on a lost season? Assuming those
players come back next season (not Patrick Chung, he
retired), will Cam be worth a shit next season or will he play like a scrub again? Also, who will be their QB of
the future? Jarrett Stidham? (LOL) Another drafted QB? A free agent? If
they don't want to go 7-9 again (or worse), they have got to get their
shit together. Especially since Julian Edelman
just got hired
to work on Showtime's Inside The NFL after retiring as well.
WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM 7-9
It was fun clowning this team just on their "name" alone. But now that
the season is over, I say FUCK IT and keep the name as is. It's unique,
it has soccer naming undertones and it's simple. They could say that
"There is nothing in this world that could properly represent this team
so we will continue to go by Washington Football Team". That's such good
shit Pal! So of course they're gonna
change their name
in the future. I like Wild Hogs and DCFC if they change it. And after winning Comeback Player Of The Year, Alex Smith earned that retirement.
DALLAS COWBOYS 6-10
The Cowboys could've signed Dak Prescott for less last season but
NOOOOOO they had to press their luck thinking he will underperform and
sign a lowball deal. Then he got
injured. They could've signed quality backups to put pressure on him to take
it or leave it because they can win without him but NOOOOOOOO they had
chumps backing him up and a shitty offensive line that couldn't protect
the pocket. So he's grinning from his hospital bed because they're
forced to pay up due to this team being so garbage, they couldn't win a
division where every team had a losing record. Now that Dakota got his
4 Yr/$160 million contract, can he lead this clown show to the promise land in Inglewood February
of next year? No.
NEW YORK GIANTS 6-10
I'm not sold on Danny Dimes. I feel he's gotten a lot more hype than he
deserves for someone with a
8-18 record
is his two year career. For all I know, he could have a breakout season
like Josh Allen and lead the Giants to the playoffs but for now, I don't
see what the hype is all about.
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS 6-10
So, is Jimmy G "The Guy"? His days there seem to be numbered and
considering there's news that his old coach Bill Belichick was
willing to leave
the Patriots in 2018 over them trading him away to the 49ers, a reunion
isn't as farfetched as it was before this season.
CAROLINA PANTHERS 5-11
Now that he's free from Adam Gase and that tire fire in New York, Sam
Darnold has the chance to pull a Ryan Tannehill and have a
breakout season
himself. Where that leaves Teddy Two Gloves, who the hell knows but it's
doubtful it will be in Carolina. Also, it was nice to see
Third Leg Greg
and Thomas Davis return to the Panthers in order to retire together.
DENVER BRONCOS 5-11
Who in the Orange Hell is gonna be QB for the Broncos next year? They
pick 9th overall in next week's draft so if the Broncos believe in Drew
Lock, then they may
pass on
Justin Fields. I honestly don't know what they should do here because on
one hand, you shouldn't give up on a young QB unless the one you're
drafting is a sure thing. On the other hand, he haven't really done much
to inspire much confidence that he will improve. Man, times were much
simpler when we was laughing at them
starting a WR in at QB
or a recently retired baseball player went on a
hot run that included a playoff win over a heavy favorite during his NFL
career.
DETROIT LIONS 5-11
Like Matthew Stafford joining the Rams, Jared Goff
joining the Lions
in the trade will be a nice change of scenery for him. It looked like
support for him waned and they was looking for any way to dump his large
contract. I hope he does enjoy Detroit like he leads on in his
interview, because as awfully run this team has been since...forever,
he's gonna need something that gives him joy as his soul gets sucked out
by this despair cultivating franchise and city.
CINCINNATI BENGALS 4-11-1
The nerve of this fucking team handwaving away how they got their star
QB
slaughtered
this season by introducing
new jerseys sponsored
by Tide is repulsive. These motherfuckers even got CHAD JOHNSON involved
in this shit!
Did they even upgrade their wet paper bag of an offensive
line? It sure as hell
doesn't seem so.
Hell, nearly everyone who's responsible for that faithful day is still
here so I'm even MORE AFRAID Joe Burrow's career could derail just
like Andrew Luck and RG3 who suffered from their team's malpractice of
not providing them with a OL that's worth a shit. It's too bad he can't
sitout this season, I don't trust this team to protect him at all and he
deserves to go to a team that actually cares about keeping their QBs
upright.
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES 4-11-1
Now that Carson Wentz went to the Colts, Jalen Hurts is officially "The
Guy". He was pretty dynamic when he took over and the team just had a
different energy when he was in the game. But as we seen before, rookies
who balled out in their rookie season turn to shit once teams get tape
on them so here's hoping that won't happen to him. Especially since they
can't count on a Tank Division sequel to keep them in the playoff hunt
in
Week 18
with only 4 wins. At least Joe Flacco Flame is here playing for his favorite team as a kid to provide support. Oh yeah, WTF EDP445!!! Famous Youtuber/super Eagles fan/toliet destroyer is a pedo and the Youtubers who trapped him are racists. This is one wild ass story that fits perfectly on Worldstar.
ATLANTA FALCONS 4-12
Will the Falcons ever recover from the embarrassment of "28-3"? They
have a new coach who was responsible for
reviving
Ryan Tannehill's career in Tennessee so maybe he can do the same here in
Atlanta. It would be nice to see Matty Ice make another playoff run
before he retire but the Falcons have got to prepare for a post Matt
Ryan world now so they won't be scrambling for a decent QB whenever he's
gone from the team.
HOUSTON TEXANS 4-12
Man, J.J. Watt severing ties with the Texans was a blessing in disguise.
Like,
WTF is going on
with Deshaun Watson? He went from
wanting a trade, to being mad the Texans
didn't interview
Eric Bieniemy, to being
accused
of sexual assault by the Texans' owner's lawyer friend, to various
lawsuits by 23 (and counting) Instagram massage therapists against him
that detail multiple inappropriate acts that include asking for his
anus to be oiled, forcing a lesbian to
give him a blowjob, jacking off and
cumming on accusers,
forced kisses
and
other wild shit. All of this is happening while he has a
girlfriend
but it didn't stop him from allegedly getting 150 massages from Instagram masseuses (during a pandemic) even though most of them are
unlicensed, which is a misdemeanor itself in Texas and Georgia. These are mostly
civil cases even though five of them
have talked to police
so who knows how this will go. I know one thing though, after all the
shit Watson gave them, the Texans must be laughing their ass off over
this.
NEW YORK JETS 2-14
J-E-T-S! A-HOT-MESS! Now that Sam Darnold and the coach who ruined him
are gone, the Jets have to reset and draft another QB who can start Week
1. They got
three draft picks
in the trade with Carolina so their new coach Robert Saleh will have
some working room with their
five picks in the first three rounds. But that got me to thinking, did they sign a veteran QB during free
agency? The answer to that is no. Instead, they have two young guys in
James Morgan
and
Mike White who apparently aren't even good enough to just put in the game
considering both STILL haven't thrown a football in their NFL careers
yet. I'm scared for their new QB.
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS 1-15
The Jaguars have the #1 pick for the
first time
in their 27 year history and it's likely they will choose Trevor Lawrence.
If that happens, where would that leave internet sensation
Garner "Uncle Rico" Minshew II? He had a decent start to his three year career but the jury is still
out on whether he will be a good player or not. They recently signed
C.J. Beathard presumably as a backup and
Jake Luton
is still here. I doubt they will keep four QBs so someone will be the odd
man left out and another will probably be looking for a trade to start
somewhere else.
Holy shit that took a long as time. After a two month hiatus, I FINALLY
finished this NFL 2020 season review with under a week left before the
2021 NFL Draft. I sure hope nothing changes before now and later today
when I actually post it. That sure would suck donkey balls!
LAST WEEK
0-1
PLAYOFFS
8-6
FINAL OVERALL 148-119-1
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