It was just last season that I detailed the snakebitten career of Tyrod Taylor where he starts a few games only for something out of his control costs him his job as the new guy takes over. Back then it was a Chargers doctor puncturing his lung with a needle, this time it's a hamstring injury. So here we are once again, IN WEEK 3(!!!) talking about Tyrod losing his spot to a rookie due to injury. Like GODDAMN, he was just on Pat McAfee's show talking about the trials and tribulations of his career. Maybe this is a sign he should retire before things gets worse.
THE GAMES
Carolina Panthers 33
Houston Texans 7
Will David Mills become the permanent starter like Justin Herbert? The odds are in his favor based on Tyrod's career tract but a beatdown by the Panthers won't help his cause. At least he doesn't have to worry about Deshaun Watson since he's still getting paid to hang out in Costa Rica even though the grand jury won't make a decision until after the trade deadline.
Indianapolis Colts 22
Tennessee Titans 17
How the hell do you sprain BOTH ANKLES? I, like many, wondered that as we heard news of Carson Wentz's injury(ies?). The Colts are doing everything they can to get him back on the field but if he can't go, Jacob Eason will start (+Brett Hundley). The simulation must think the dynamic duo will be the spark that improves this 20th ranked offense and get their first win of the season.
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| Bring in Sam Ehlinger and make this a three on one handicap match! |
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| WOOF! WOOF! Wentz will start! Also Jim Irsay says it's "harder to depend" on him! WOOF! WOOF! |
Atlanta Falcons 23
New York Giants 42
Things aren't looking too hot in 'Lanta as they start 0-2. Matt Ryan isn't concerned since they have a extra game to turn things around. However, if they lose this game, I don't see them getting any better for a playoff run considering how bad their defense been so far.
Los Angeles Chargers 37
Kansas City Chiefs 33
I COULD talk about Patrick Mahomes costly pick in his Sunday Night loss to the Ravens. But I'm just gonna call his brother Jackson an asshole for poring water (in the middle of an pandemic) on a Ravens fan. He had the high ground so he could've just walked away. Instead, he got in his feelings and poured a contaminated liquid on the fan who was in no way a threat. I hope the Madden Curse does a run-in on Mahomes and they miss the playoffs!
Cincinnati Bungles 38
Pittsburgh Steelers 15
I see the Bungles aren't doing shit to protect Joe Burrow this season either as he's tied with Ryan Tannehill with 9 sacks (Zach Wilson has been sacked a league high 10 times). Look to their 6th ranked defense to make life hell for Big Ben who's already dealing with an pec injury.
Chicago Bears 14
Cleveland Browns 13
To the surprise of absolutely no one, Justin Fields will start as Andy Dalton nurses his injured knee. Outside his own injury, I expect Fields to remain the starter this season. And judging by how their awful passing game drags down this team's offense, things can only go up from here.
Baltimore Ravens 34
Detroit Lions 21
Lamar Jackson is apparently sore from flipping into the endzone. This is probably minor but I wouldn't want to see my star QB get himself injured stunting on a TD even if it was "pretty cool".
New Orleans Saints 12
New England Patriots 17
It seems that people don't like the Patriots' dink and dunk strategy with rookie QB Mac Jones. So far he passed for 467 yards with only one TD with a long of 32 which makes them 25th in passing. Personally, I don't have a problem with it since he's hitting the open man and not throwing interceptions. That was the knock against his opponent Jameis Winston. He aired it out in 2019 for 5,109 yards and 33 TDs with the Bucs. But he also threw 30 interceptions and fumbled 12 times losing 5 of them. Jameis may be more focused on protecting the ball but I'll still choose the Patriots to send the Saints back to the charred remains of a dome with a loss.
Arizona Cardinals 37
Jacksonville Jaguars 14
It looks like Urban Meyer is finally realizing how much harder it is to coach in the NFL than it was in college. When you're with a Power 5 Conference team, you can feed on scrubs in lower conferences/divisions until you play other big schools. In the NFL, "every week it is like playing Alabama” due to being the only sports league with parity. Poor Trevor Lawrence. :(
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| "I wish I pulled an Eli Manning and refused to come here. Sigh" |
Washington Pilots 30
Buffalo Bills 17
Who likes upsets? Cause that's what the simulation is predicting! It's believes Taylor Heinicke will build off of last week's win by making the Bills 2nd ranked defense look like fools. It also believes their bad defense can swallow up Buffalo's 6th rated rushing. Good luck with that!
New York Jets 6
Denver Broncos 38
The stench of Adam Gase still resides in East Rutherford as the Jets ruins ANOTHER QB. The NFL is so embarrassed at their 29th ranked passing attack they didn't even bother to show Zach Wilson's stats in his losses to the Patriots or Panthers! The Jets shouldn't even be allowed to draft QBs. They can only sign free agents like DeShone Kizer, Chad Kelly and resign Luke Falk.
Miami Dolphins 0
Las Vegas Raiders 36
For some reason, people were questioning Tua Tagovailoa's toughness when he was carted off with a rib injury. At first, reports were it wasn't serious. Now we know he has fractured ribs. Can the Dolphins make it any more obvious they're done with him outside of straight up cutting him? Like damn, they should've kept FitzMagic and traded Tua if they was gonna act like this!
Seattle Seahawks 45
Minnesota Vikings 21
I see Mike Zimmer is burying Greg Joseph for missing a game winning kick against the Cardinals. Nevermind that he wouldn't have been in that position if the Vikings didn't blow a 20-7 lead. Pay no attention to the fact that their defense is a clear liability compared to their top 10 offense. But that's what shitty coaches do. They scapegoat the kicker to cover for their fuckups.
Tompa Bay Buccaneers 20
Los Angeles Rams 30
The duo of Brady & Gronk along with TB12 method man Alex Guerrero made some news recently. Brady says football has gone soft since defensive players aren't allowed to absolutely annihilate players. While Gronk admitted he doesn't watch game film, he "run by guys" since Brady tells him what to do. I imagine the Bucs PR team got mad and made him clarify his statement from Monday Night Manning. And Alex said Belichick "never evolved"! I love these guys and I hope the simulation is wrong cause I want them to finish undefeated.
Green Bay Packers 16
San Francisco 49ers 7
Seeing how the sun is setting on his time in Santa Clara, Jimmy G will take this opportunity to talk with Aaron Rodgers about how to handle being replaced by the shiny new QB and whatnot. I would recommend a change of scenery since the 49ers look ready to move on from him as well.
Philadelphia Eagles 17
Dallas Cowboys 13
Eagles-Cowboys are always a draw no matter the record or how far away they are from their last Super Bowl win. This year, both teams are 1-1 and have a promising future ahead of them thanks to their star QBs. They exchange strengths and weaknesses but the Eagles defense cancels out the Cowboys offense with both of them being ranked 4th in the league. So Philly's 15th ranked offense should take advantage of Big D's 27th ranked defense Monday Night.
LAST WEEK 10-6
OVERALL 19-13
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