Roger Goodell Wants YOU To Get Your Covid Vaccine! NFL Week 1 Preview

It's year 2 in the Pandemic Era and there are new rules to piss people off along with a emphasis on flagging, ejecting and even suspending taunters! The biggest news however, is the NFL practically forcing players to get vaccinated or feel their wrath if they get infected while letting vaccinated players slide. Coaches have reacted to the new stringent policies in various was like Ron Rivera complaining about unvaccinated players during training camp. Bill Belichick saying vaccines doesn't solve every problem when explaining why he cut (unvaccinated) Cam Newton. And Urban Meyer admitting he cut players for not being vaccinated.

Honestly, I feel more people would get vaccinated if they wasn't so put off by the media, government and big pharma/medical industry working together to force people to get these injections or be fired from their jobs. All the while downplaying, silencing or straight up lying about other medical experts who have proven alternative ways to treat Coronavirus. We live in a world where people got mad that a unvaccinated podcaster recovered quickly from Covid all because he took drugs they refused to acknowledge are valid treatment options. But enough politics, let's talk some FOOTBAW with help from simming games on NFL Game Simulator!

THE GAMES

Dallas Cowboys                   7

Tompa Bay Buccaneers    40

While the Cowboys try to exploit any loophole they can to get their guard Zack Martin on the field for the league's season opener after testing positive for Coronavirus, Tom Brady has to deal with the new rule the Chiefs proposed this offseason to fuck with him. Defensive backs can now wear numbers 1-49, linebackers 1-59 and 90-99 and defensive linemen 50-79 and 90-99. To the average layman, this is no big deal. But to the greatest QB ever with 7 Super Bowls to his name and a stickler for reading defenses, it makes it a whole lot harder for him to set blocking assignments and route trees. I feel since he got used to playing on a brand new team with no practice time beforehand last season, he'll adjust to all those single digit defenders this year.

Jacksonville Jaguars      14

Houston Texans              48

Deshaun Watson's sexual assault allegations by multiple masseurs have been well documented during the offseason. In the past, when a player is accused of sexual misconduct but nothing much came out of it, the player is either free to play or is suspended for an arbitrary amount of time before hitting the field. But in Deshaun's case, he has 22 accusers with 10 of them talking to police, PLUS he still wants to be traded from the Texans! So instead of dumping his problems on another team or starting him until the legal issues clear up and the NFL hands down their punishment, they rather pay him to do nothing and start snakebitten QB Tyrod Taylor. I get they don't want to lose their star QB but he apparently refuses to take the field for them so I don't get this. Either way, it's nice to see Tyrod start again in this league.

LA Chargers                33

Washington Rubies     7

When I started this preview, I wondered who the hell is Washington's QB? Kyle Allen is hit and miss while Taylor Heinicke had his moments. Then I found out that the starter will be The Man, The Myth, The Legend, Ryan Fitzpatrick! In recent years, he came off the bench to provide a spark to the team replacing the slumping starter only for him to crash back to reality later. He's gonna need some FitzMagic to overcome this simulated 26 point loss to the Chargers.

Seattle Seahawks    24

Indianapolis Colts   19

All those Russell Wilson trade rumors sure was a bust. He claimed he didn't request a trade and he's happy in Seattle. Maybe this cheating rumor will have a more entertaining result.

New York Jets           10

Carolina Panthers    23

What better way to open the season with your new team than facing your old team where you saw ghosts, caught a kissing disease and was hamstrung by a shitty coach? I don't see Sam Darnold having a HOF quality career like Tom Brady or Drew Brees but Panther fans would love for him to have a Ryan Tannehillesque resurgence now that he's free from #LOLJETS. 

Minnesota Vikings      31

Cincinnati Bungles     17

When I saw Joe Burrow die on the field against Washington, I was legitimately angry at the Bungles for not protecting him better and ruining this promising talent. I even agreed with Booger McFarland's suggestion that he sit out this season until these fucktards get their shit together. He did not. So now it's year two with most of the same assholes who are responsible for his injury still here but did they AT LEAST improve their turnstile offensive line? Fuck no. We will see if Quinton Spain and the OL can redeem themselves or should they be executed on spot.

Arizona Cardinals    35

Tennessee Titans     13

Sooo, is Larry Fitzgerald retired or naw? He's not playing for the Cardinals but he claims he's not retired despite lacking "the urge to play right now". Maybe he will be a late season pickup during their playoff chase but either way I don't see him suiting up next season with those feelings. 

San Francisco 49ers      27

Kneecap Biters               31

Sooo, who's starting for the 49ers? Jimmy G appointed himself as starter despite coach Kyle Shanahan not confirming it. The fact that he's a captain and Trey Lance is recovering from a chipped bone in his finger backs up his claims. Having said that, I'm pretty confident this is Garoppolo's final year here. Last season, it looked like Shanahan was done with Jimmy so they drafted a QB. If he struggles again this time, Lance will finish the season as starter.

Pittsburgh Steelers     14

Buffalo Bills                 31

How convenient that now the Bills are playoff contenders with their hot shit QB, they're threating to move if Orchard Park doesn't pay for a $1.4 billion dollar stadium. Personally, I would tell them to fuck off and pay for their own damn stadium. It's not like they have many relocation options now that LA has two teams and Vegas is taken. Former NFL cities Oakland, San Diego and St. Louis have different reasons for why they wouldn't pay for a new stadium and there's no way in hell the Cowboys (or Texans) would allow the Bills to move in on their turf in San Antonio or Austin. There's always Canada but this pandemic showed they have no problem shutting down sports leagues and booting teams out of the country so that wouldn't work either. And don't even get me started on the ridiculousness of a London team. So unless the team moves to some random city like Oklahoma City or Hartford, they're staying put new stadium or not.

EDP445s                 6

Atlanta Falcons    20

It's the Bird Brained Bowl where both teams went to shit after their Super Bowl appearances. Jalen Hurts will try to right the ship with Dem Birds while the Dirty Birds will make one last push for the playoffs with Matty Ice before I assume they will get another QB next season. Or his backups Feleipe Franks or Josh Rosen could step up and take the job from him.

Cleveland Browns       44

Kansas City Chiefs     41

The Browns blew their chance of playing in last year's AFC Championship game when they let CHAD HENNE of all people run for the first down to seal the game while Patrick Mahomes was concussed. So now they have the chance to start the season by getting revenge on the team that ended their season. Not Henne though, he's a backup again but he's ready if needed.

Green Bay Packers   38

All Elite Saints           21

This game was moved to the home of Football Field Fuckery due to Hurricane Ida hitting New Orleans. The Saints don't expect to play the entire season on the road like in 2005 but in the meantime they're stationed in the Dallas area for a month. We will see can Famous Jameis (with Taysom Hill) become a icon in this city like the recently retired Drew Brees after Katrina.

Looking good @TIAABankField 🙌

Thank you @Jaguars and the city of Jacksonville for the hospitality 👏#GBvsNO pic.twitter.com/mIywYAT3HB

— New Orleans Saints (@Saints) September 9, 2021

Denver Broncos      21

New York Giants     17

Teddy Two Gloves only been in Denver for a couple months but he garnered lot's of support from notable people like Bill Parcells and Marlin Briscoe. Bridgewater is by no means a long term solution with 8 years under his belt but if he can help Drew Lock realize his potential or turn the Broncos into contenders, then fans will enjoy Hamburger Helper Gloves' stay at High Mile.

Miami Dolphins               24

New England Patriots    45

Are the Dolphins giving up on Tua Tagovailoa already? They were one of the teams that tried to trade for Deshaun Watson during the offseason. How little faith must you have in your QB where you're willing to trade FOR someone who has multiple sexual assault allegations against him and could be arrested or suspended anytime during this season or next? Coach Brian Flores can reassure the locker room all he wants that Tua is "our quarterback" but the lack of captainship for him is telling. Not every QB is lucky enough to have a coach who's all in on him like fellow Bama QB Mac Jones, who has the full support of Bill Belichick and the Patriots.

Chicago Bears     16

LA Rams               31

When this game was scheduled for Sunday Night Football, I'm sure the storyline they had planned was a matchup between a QB new to the league vs a QB new to his team. Instead, we're getting a matchup of two QBs who received a change of scenery as Andy Dalton starts over Justin Fields. As we seen during his time with Dallas, his time as starter won't last long.

Baltimore Ravens       9

Las Vegas Raiders    13

There's no MNF double header this year so these two get Monday Night all to themselves. Considering how awful their commentating teams been in recent years, it's a good decision to only give them one game. Also the Raiders may be in trouble with the IRS over taxes. Whoops.