The NFL takes their next step towards global expansion by placing the 2nd game of the regular season in Brazil. 49ers rookie WR Ricky Pearsall was shot in the chest in broad daylight in San Francisco when a teen tried to steal his Rolex (the shooter is "very sorry"). But as much of a shithole San Fran has become recently, it has nothing on Brazil which has the 17th highest murder rate. It's so dangerous, players are told to stay in the hotel and military police will escort the teams during the trip. It really makes you wonder, why the fuck are they playing a game in a country where even the color green is banned from a stadium due to violent fans? I doubt players would be this concerned over their safety if they went to Japan or Australia.
THE GAMES
Baltimore Ravens 17
Kansas City Chiefs 28
We kick off the season with a rematch of last season's AFC Championship game. The addition of Derrick Henry will greatly help Baltimore's run game if his production didn't drop off a cliff like many RBs that end up on another team. While KC's key pieces of Mahomes, Kelce, Reid and Swift will make them a tough matchup once again on their way to 3-peating the Super Bowl. One person who won't be part of that ride is WR Kadarius Toney who got released. How bad is his work ethic where the Chiefs rather keep someone who was in a hit and run than him?
Green Bay Packers 33
Philadelphia Eagles 10
BTW, I called it last year that the NFL will use the XFL kickoff, just with their own spin on it.
Pittsburgh Steelers 24
Atlanta Falcons 9
It's the battle of 2 veteran QBs with a lot to prove this season. Steelers QB Russell Wilson wants to show last season with the Broncos was a fluke and he's not washed. While Falcons QB Kirk Cousins looks to bounce back from his Achillies injury. The simulation says Kirk will have a rough start to his season. It will be a nice day for their kicker Younghoe Koo though.
Arizona Cardinals 13
Buffalo Bills 34
Damar Hamlin will be the Bills starting safety. Good for him!
Tennessee Titans 14
Chicago Bears 28
It's the battle of 2 teams looking to start over with new franchise players. For the Titans, this is Will Levis' team as he will have both DeAndre Hopkins and Calvin Ridley to throw to along with Tony Pollard to hand the ball to. They hope new coach Brian Callahan leads this new era of Titans football to a Super Bowl before their new stadium is built. As for the Bears, pray for Caleb Williams. I have little faith in this dumpster fire of a franchise that ruins QBs who play here.
New England Patriots 23
Cincinnati Bengals 10
Speaking of new eras, the Belichick era is now over in New England. New coach Jerod Mayo hopes to pull a DeMeco Ryans and get his old team back on track to being a playoff contender. But instead of a rookie QB (or young QB in general), 9-year vet Jacoby Brissett returns to the team as starter. That's despite the fact Mayo said rookie Drake Maye outplayed Brissett. Maybe he rather sacrifice Jacoby behind a bad offensive line than ruin Drake for the future.
Houston Texans 31
Indianapolis Colts 33
Speaking of DeMeco, he aims to prove last season wasn't a fluke too and that the Texans are a legitimate playoff threat. To help out C.J. Stroud they added RBs Cam Akers and Joe Mixon along with WR Stefon Diggs. Stefon is a star receiver but he seems to wear out his welcome after a couple years so let's see how this partnership will work out. While the Colts hope their star QB Anthony Richardson stays healthy for the year. But if he gets injured again because he refuses to slide, Joe Flacco is here as Gardner Minshew is now starting in Vegas.
Jacksonville Jaguars 21
Miami Dolphins 38
I fully support Tua shitting on former Dolphins coach Brian Flores. When Flores was there, he made it clear he didn't want Tua and they would rather trade for Deshaun Watson. So unsurprisingly, Tua played like shit since he had little confidence with zero support from the head coach. Enter Mike McDaniel and Tua is now a Pro Bowl QB because he actually has someone who believes in him for a change and surrounded him with talent. I know it will come off as bitter, but I wish more players would call out shitty coaches for ruining their careers.
Carolina Panthers 7
New Orleans Saints 28
Speaking of ruining careers, can new Panthers coach Dave Canales salvage QB Bryce Young's career like he did in Seattle and Tampa? Looks like it will take some work to do so.
Minnesota Vikings 17
New York Football Giants 24
The Giants kicked off their 100th season by listing the franchise's top 100 players. They announced the 2 throwback uniforms they will wear this season along with the historical midfield logo. They showed old pictures from their time in the Polo Grounds. They even let WR Malik Nabers wear Ray Flaherty's #1 jersey which was the first ever retired number in sports in order to bring attention to Flaherty's career to a modern audience. It sure would be nice if there was a football video game where you could wear those old uniforms and play on historical fields.
Las Vegas Raiders 23
Los Angeles Chargers 24
Hmm, doesn't look like Gardner's season will start off too well.
Denver Broncos 20
Seattle Seahawks 34
Neither will Bo Nix's apparently.
Dallas Cowboys 23
Cleveland Browns 20
Time for ole Dakota to prove he's worth another contract.
Washington Commanders 28
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 23
Thank God the Commanders fired that jackass for shitting on the players, fans and league.
Los Angeles Rams 24
Detroit Lions 20
First week of the season and I'm already rushing to get a post off, goddamnit!
New York Jets 0
San Francisco 49ers 37
Did Aaron Rodgers tear his Achillies again or are the 49ers motivated from Pearsall working out with the team 2 days after getting shot? They might just go undefeated this season.
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